My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
