I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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