Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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