Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
