btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
