Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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