Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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