Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you will always have a special place in my vag
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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