I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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