I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
