you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
