did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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