You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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