I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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