I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
