Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
