I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This baby is an asshole
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
