my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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