dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
