I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
