im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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