I seem to have left my pride at pride
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
