I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
