Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
