Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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