Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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