im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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