All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
