my vag is so smooth its legendary
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
