did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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