Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
