Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
