I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
