There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize