During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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