Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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