we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
