I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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