yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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