Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
