I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
