Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
