If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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