Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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