proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
