I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
50% drunk capacity currently
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
