u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
