i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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