You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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