Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
