He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
