Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
