dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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