I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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