Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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