Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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