My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
