my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
