The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize