The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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