You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
