I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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